A Spectator Sports Satire — an essay on Arm-Chair Spectator Sports. Have you ever really thought about it? Spectator sports. Webster defines “sports” as “an athletic activity requiring skill or physical prowess and often of a competitive nature”. And goes on to add the word “outdoors”. What is athletic about sitting on the couch or in your recliner watching someone else compete in a sport. Yet millions of people are glued to television sets nationwide on any game day. Why??
We Americans love our sports. No doubt about it considering the amount of money involved. Million-dollar players. Isn’t that the dream of every athletic youth – to become a professional athlete and make millions of dollars. And it seems that the dream doesn’t end with youth. Because we, as spectators, spend millions of dollars to just watch those million-dollar athletes compete.
FOOTBALL
I’ll start with football because it is “football season” as I am writing this. Really, how exciting is it to watch a football game? It is a 60-minute game that takes two or three hours to play on national TV. Why? Because, it seems to me, the “league” has added more and more rules which require more and more on-field officials to enforce. This results in the play being stopped after almost every play, so that the TV broadcast can go to commercial break to show us more and more ads. Of course, these ads are making millions of dollars for companies, advertisers, broadcasters and teams. And what are we as spectators doing? Certainly not exercising unless you count the arm movement of bringing snacks or drinks to our mouth.
If you have spent the money to attend the game as a true spectator, what are you doing in the stands? Probably bringing very expensive snacks to your mouth too. True, you will get a little exercise as a spectator AT the game. You might jump up a few times to cheer and you did have to walk to your seat and to the refreshment stands.
But when there is actual “play” on the field, it lasts only a few seconds with either a run or a pass, before those officials blow their whistles to stop the momentum and sort things out. Really is it that exciting to be a spectator? But millions of us are watching each and every Sunday or Monday night and now even sometimes on Thursday night.
BASEBALL
Let me move on to another sport. This one was a favorite of mine, but in retrospect, who knows why. Again, hours spent watching someone else play a sport that in the analysis is pretty dull. Ever try to explain baseball to a non-American. Let’s start out with “balls and strikes”. Strikes are easy enough to explain. A player waving a wooden object (bat) at a ball and missing it. But a “ball”? A ball is a round object that they are playing with. A ball is an object that one of the players called a pitcher is throwing at a player from the opposite team, who is trying to hit it. But when describing the game, a batter gets four balls or three strikes to try to hit the ball.
I guess you could explain a “ball” in this concept as being a “ball” that is thrown by the pitcher at the batter, that the batter is not able or desirous of swinging at. And that is not within the area designated by the rules as the “strike zone”. So here we have the next thing to explain. The “strike zone” which is defined in the rule book, but becomes a bit of an arbitrary area as seen by the umpire who crouches behind the batter. Oh, and there is the catcher back there too, who has to catch the ball thrown by the pitcher that is not hit by the batter.
So far, a pretty exciting spectator sport – huh?
And I haven’t even mentioned the other seven players on the field. The players who get to do nothing besides stand in a designated area until the batter actually is able to hit the ball.
Of course, when the batter does hit the ball, there is some excitement until the ball is either caught or missed by one of the field players. Then the batter gets to run the bases, unless the field player, who has missed catching the ball, is able to throw him out. What? Come again. Now that part gets more complicated still to explain.
The Absurdity of Spectator Sports
But I am not here to explain the rules of baseball, but the absurdity of sitting on the couch watching these games on TV. But we do it. Spend hundreds of hours doing it. They play over 300 games in a season. Almost every day and for around three or four hours a day.
I was such a baseball “fan”, that I actually bought score pads and kept track of every ball and strike, runs, hits and outs. Oh yes, each team gets three outs for their half of the inning, and there are nine innings – nope, I’m not going there again. You all get the idea of trying to explain the “excitement” of this game. As a spectator where is the excitement? Why should I sit for several hours and watch this? But millions do every day. Of course, it allows the opportunity for snacking and drinking while watching.
Let me add just one more “exciting” fact here. What is considered the most prestigious games are the No-Hitters and the Shutouts. No hits. No runs. A great accomplishment for the skill of the pitcher to avoid the bat, but no action. How dull is that?
BASKETBALL
This at least is a much simpler game to explain, but equally boring to watch. Ten players, five on each side, running up and down an in-door court trying to throw a ball through a hoop mounted above the playing floor. It is fast-moving until the officials on the floor stop the action for an infraction. And a lot of points are scored because most of these players are relatively tall and can almost reach up and drop the ball down through the net.
I guess you can tell I’m not much of a basketball fan. At least I don’t waste my time watching these games but millions do.
On to more “exciting spectator sports” (tongue-in-cheek)
SOCCER
Now here is another action game that has it’s share of spectators. But, again it is just watching teams of players run up and down a field kicking a ball. Now, to get out and actually play this game would provide great exercise. And these players are in magnificent physical condition to run for the duration of those games. And, yes, it is fun to see which side will control the ball. But most games end with only a couple of goals scored, and sometimes none. Really not that much entertainment.
TENNIS (Neck Exercise)
Here is another bat (in this case called a racket) and ball game. Usually played with just two players competing against each other. Not too complicated and just depends upon the speed and ability of each player to return the ball to the opposite court. There is an official, but he or she only gets involved to decide line infractions. It is a good sport for amateur players, but not tremendously entertaining to watch for hours on the TV. But many people do. They follow a favorite player and cheer them on to victories.
GOLF (Yawn)
And the last game that I am going to mention here. This is a tremendous time-waster for a spectator on TV. It goes on for hours and hours. And I admit that I have my TV tuned into the golf matches almost every weekend. But for me, they are running in the background as I work on my pages or read or do needlework. With 18 holes and twenty or so players in the final rounds on the weekend, it does take hours with just an occasional exceptional shot or putt. It is nice to see the beautiful courses and surrounding areas. And it is nice to see who finally wins, with a win consisting of the fewest strokes. In the case of golf, less is best as opposed to most in other sports. But certainly not very exciting.
If you live in the Phoenix area or are visiting, please note that there are more golf courses here than anywhere else, so we need to get off the couch and go use one.
CONCLUSION of Spectator Sports Satire
With a population that is heavily leaning toward over-weight or obesity, perhaps we should all get up off the couch on these weekends. Take those bats and balls and get outside to get some exercise. Isn’t that what the ball was invented for? Even back in caveman days, the rock was used as a weapon. Thrown, certainly not watched. Instead of giving a child or friend a ticket to a sporting event, why not an actual ball and time outside playing with them. True, we all need some relaxation, but we all need some exercise too. Let’s leave the professional sports to the players, who really don’t seem to be having that much “fun”.
